Emptiness and Goneness

The permanence of Ima's death is stultifying. The sad thing is that she was suffering so near the end that I just wanted that the pain should cease, but of course that would entail her being gone. Now she's gone and It'd be so nice to be able to talk to her again; and I don't mean the way it was near the end, but the way it used to be where you could just talk once every few weeks. Part of the irony there is that we never had heart to hearts or great talks - she was a friend but not a confidant. If she were to return or if I could do it again, would she become that? Or am I too guarded?