Update

It's nearly the end of March now. I have not been posting much in the last few weeks. I haven't actually been doing much. I've hit a little bit of a standstill with the EP Into The Ground for two reasons. One is that I don't like the fifth song I wrote, or I'm just not happy with it, and the other is that Dear Mr. Fantasy hasn't been going over that well, with people complaining that they can't understand the lyrics. I'm starting to think that isn't important, and that I should just leave it the way it is, but put it later on the EP, like last, instead of first. Other than that, I have not worked almost at all this month, save for a day or two, so I'm getting incredibly poor, and at the rate things are going I might have to do something drastic to pay for my rent.
We've been on a crappie cycle here at home where karyn and I are not quite on the same sleeping schedule but we're pretending to be, so I end up going to bed way early and staying up in bed for hours watching tv while she sleeps, then she gets up and watches tv while I sleep in the AM. I've stopped working on my EP and the house is dirty and nothing productive or creative is getting done. I'm hating it.
Today I have to go setup all my crap at the practice space to work with VD. Their singer is sick so its questionable how much work we'll actually get done, most likely it's just going to be a waste of time for me - I wish this dumb project was just happening in a fucking studio, instead of my retarded set up. I learn more all the time, but it always seems to be that I learn what i DON'T like or want to do.

Not Easier

I mean to say that the cards and emails and condolences keep coming. Not as many as before but a little trickle of thoughts keep coming through and I've noticed what I guess is a third theme, and that's from people who tell me to take care of my self and keep going, that Ima would have wanted that. That only started surfacing I think with Phyllis.
This brings us to thank you cards - we got together at Nomi's and answered the bulk of them but there are a few persistent ones that I have to complete, including one to Phyllis and now to the Deneen family who went out and made a donation to the Dana Farber in Ima's name - Mike is so cool.
I guess I've been feeling still kind of down - we went to see Million Dollar Baby the other night and that was nice because I got to cry a little during it, and that felt good. But the goness of it all isn't changing, and I guess that just won't change - it's only my relationship with it that can change..

Emptiness and Goneness

The permanence of Ima's death is stultifying. The sad thing is that she was suffering so near the end that I just wanted that the pain should cease, but of course that would entail her being gone. Now she's gone and It'd be so nice to be able to talk to her again; and I don't mean the way it was near the end, but the way it used to be where you could just talk once every few weeks. Part of the irony there is that we never had heart to hearts or great talks - she was a friend but not a confidant. If she were to return or if I could do it again, would she become that? Or am I too guarded?